driving a new maserati

Assalamualaikum and hello there!

So how was your Raya? I bet it was awesome, full of fire crackers excitements, new colorful clothes, duit raya (for the kids especially) and bla bla bla. Well, hope it isn't too late for me to wish Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir Batin to everyone, hopefully our appreciation towards Allah The Almighty due to all of the great moments during Ramadhan will keep on increasing, Amin. 

Right now i'm sitting at my desk, thinking about this one thing that keeps on banging my head lately. 

Driving license. 

I am twenty-two years old but still i do not own a driving license. and to add on to my 'why-i-am-a-sad-loser' list, there are several friends (kinda confuse here because I don't even want to address them as my friends) who mocking me because i can't drive. 

I do feel that i am such a nuisance sometimes to my friends. They need to pick me up and so on. Usually i'll be asking my brother to send me if i wanna hang out with them but right now the situation is slightly different. My brothers are married, need to focus on their works, their sons, wives and that is enough of reason on why I don't want to rely on them that much. 

Well, I don't wanna write about the driving license but just wanna share something out of this situation. 

Today I received a message from Jannah. She told me that one of the driving academy in Gong Badak is promoting a satisfying price for the license. At first I have made up my mind to postpone the idea of getting the license for awhile because I am afraid I won't have much money left to be used. 

I don't know about you guys but this thing is important to me and i need to talk about it to my family. I've tried to contact my brothers but they were too busy and then I contact my sister in law, lucky for me, she did managed to give me a reply, although it was a quite simple reply. and i understand they are busy.

On that moment, i was thinking ; "Things would be a lot more easier if I have a parents to talk to"

Yea, you guys who still have your parents around, taking care of you are totally lucky. You know where to go if you need to face such a confusing situation. Plus, I bet you can ask from your parents to pay for your license. 

To tell the truth, since the first day I've entered the university, I never asked for money from my family except at the end of the semester and that usually because I don't have money to buy myself foods. But still my fees, my pocket money, assignments, research costs, internet, bills, house rent, i pay all of these using my own money. I've being taught to save my money since i was little. And yes, i did save a lots of money for me to use it in case I've got the chance to enroll my studies in any university. 

That is why anything that involve a huge amount of money is quite important to me. I was so sad. If only I have my mother around, she will definitely gives me the best suggestion. At least i have a place to go when i am in need. 

But still, i need to get over every little shits in my life by my own. I need to be independent. I don't wanna to keep on relying upon my friends to pick me up, relying on my brothers, i need to grow up. 

And then, this evening I've texted Cang, one of my classmate from Segamat. and we both did talk about internship. We need to search for our intern place like at the early of the semester. And the most frustrating part is I cannot do it in my hometown because my campus has set several rules. (I don't even agree on that rules. Kinda sucks for me. Unfair!). The conversation between me and Cang goes like :

Cang : Jannah told me she wants to have her intern in JB with her friend. Why don't you go along?

Me: I don't prefer JB. I wish to have my internship in KL.But i will need to stay with my bro and that's the prob.

Cang: Why? Surely because you hate to be in control by your bro huh? 

Well, surprisingly Cang hits the jackpot!  

You see,I am not an open person. I like to do things on my own. I don't even like to share things and i hated when people come to my house (sorry!). Aannnnddddd I hate to be in control! Living without parents make me a cold hear-ted person.  my family know that. and i won't deny it. maybe because i am quite an insecure person, and i just need to move alone! since i was a little, there are many things that i need to learn by my own self.To give it a simple example, well,ladies, be honest here, on the age of 12, did you guys need to get early from bed just to prepare breakfast, cleaning up your house, go and buy your own girl things (you know the things) alone? Well, i did. I even need to walk from my house to go to tuition classes and that journey took me like one hour of walking. And the survival mode keeps turning on until today. So maybe that is why i  rather to be alone, to work alone and i am kinda sucks in making friends. I don't have many of them (another point listed in 'why-i-am-a-sad-loser' list. )

I don't want my family to know how all these shits making my heart feel uneasy. I don't wanna my family to know that their sister is actually a weakling. For me, they have done too much. They raised me up, feed me, provide me a good shelter, keep on giving me their best. So at least that I can do now is be independent and prove to them that i can survive, they don't need to worry about me that much.

I am such a major loser, am I? *sigh*. The point is, I miss my mother so much.